If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
