i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
