life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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