I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
