i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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