I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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