I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
