Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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