I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
