i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Randomize
