we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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