im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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