I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
