giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Come share oat with me in your robe
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
