You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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