It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
