last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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