i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
