Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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