I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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