I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
