she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
