You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
