HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
