So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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