It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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