I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
