dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
