The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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