Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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