my phone needs a breathalizer
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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