Sober January is a disaster.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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