She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
this hospital has no fireball
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
