Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
