Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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