I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
