and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It's just like the Real World with babies
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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