do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
