My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
