I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
