i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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