Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
