having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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