yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
