The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I intend to get homeless drunk
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
