Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
