Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(917): View more from New York City

He disabled his match.com account in front of me

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(616): View more from Michigan

Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?

Fav 4 734 2744
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(914): View more from New York

Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.

Fav 5 3274 1608
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(513): View more from Ohio

I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.

Fav 27 940 2700
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(615): View more from Tennessee

i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm

Fav 28 5291 925
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

All my credit cards need to be pressure washed

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(909): View more from California

What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for

Fav 18 1971 956
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(309): View more from Illinois

We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�

Fav 0 16 24
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