i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
