someone threw a dead crab at me
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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