just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
