dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
do herpes really smell.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
