You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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